In the Dark
by Suni Daughter of Moro
Summary: Chapter one- A brief message to GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF THE GUTTER Chapter 2- The Insanity Begins! Fear the random insanity! Mwahahaha! (I know this isn't a real summary but this is so random I can't summarize it)
1. A message from the author

In the Dark

A brief message before we begin-

            Before I begin, I'd like to dismiss the sick thoughts the title inspires in some of your minds.  "In the Dark" means two things: 1) The lights will go out and 2) Everyone is going to be "In the Dark" (meaning clueless, downright stupid, psychotic and/or drunk) except Kurama.  As far as lemon there will be NONE.  Maybe an occasional innuendo or flipping up a girl's skirt or a pick-up line etc. but that is as far as it goes.

            As for warnings, there are many I'll mention but few will actually be considered warnings by anyone besides me.  There will be stupidity insanity swearing and drinking.  There will be violence and Chu fans _should NOT read!_  There may be pick-up lines innuendos and flipping up girl's skirts etc. as I said before and I may consider throwing in very mismatched pairings making out.  I'm not a fan of and I do not write about shonen ai but I  may throw Shishiwakamaru in and call him a woman a few times so Shishi fans _should NOT read!  Other than that I may toss in a few of my dumbest theories on who Yusuke's father is.  That's about all the warnings I have for you._

            By the way, I know this doesn't happen in the series but in this story, Jin will get drunk quite frequently.  Alcohol is a large part of life for the Irish and that was a difficult thing for me to accept about my culture, so I hope you will understand as well.

            One final note- Lord of the Rings will frequently enter the story.


	2. Chapter 1

In the Dark

Part One

*Lights flicker and eventually falter*

Yusuke: Stupid lights… I HATE YOU!

Keiko: Maybe it's a good thing the lights went out Yusuke…

Yusuke: 0_o Are _you_coming on to _me!?_

Keiko: Yuh-huh! *giggles*

Yusuke: *sob* That's my job!

Keiko: Ew!  What's that smell?

Yusuke: I didn't do it.

Hiei: Yusuke, here. *tosses Yusuke a flashlight*

*Flashlight pegs Yusuke square in the head*

Yusuke: Ow! What the hell was that for!?

Hiei: It's a flashlight Yusuke; it produces light.  Idiot…

Yusuke: Let's see… *flicks on the flashlight* What is that smell!?  Jin, did you open another bottle of your nasty 1896 gin?

Jin: No no Urameshi!  I'm clean o' the stuff!

Yusuke: Like I believe that.

Kuwabara: Sorry Yusuke that smell's probably my fault… the hotel guys gave us whiskey and I just had to open it.

Kurama: That's not the smell of alcohol…

Jin: Then what is it the smell of, Fox-lad?  Because my nose tells me it's the smell of 1436 whiskey.  Ah a fine year for whiskey, gin too.  Heh it's almost as old as I am.[1]

Yusuke: Thanks for the information _Bilbo Baggins…_

Kurama: That is the smell of burning demon flesh, Jin.

Jin: Burning demon flesh!?

Yusuke: HIEI!  Who did you torch this time!?

Hiei: Uh… nobody…

Yusuke: You're a terrible liar Hiei. *turns light in the direction of the smell where a pile of ashes and a sign stand*  "Here lies the purple-haired drunk idiot who I forget the name of.  May he rest eternally as drunken ashes."!?  Hiei!

Hiei: What?

Yusuke: Why did you kill Chu?!

Hiei: I'm only doing what the voices in my head tell me.

Yusuke: O_0 Voices?

Kurama: 0_O In your head?

Hiei: Yes.

Yusuke: Jeez.  You are a freak Hiei.

Jin:♪ You take the high road and I'll take the low road and I'll be in Scotland before ya but me—♪

Keiko: ENOUGH!!!  You're _Irish_ you freak!  The Scottish are your natural enemy!  Plus you're drunk and tone deaf!  SO SHUT UP!

Jin: Yes ma'am.

Keiko: Now as for the rest of you!  Go find a light bulb and fix that light!

Everyone (minus Jin and Keiko): Yes ma'am!

*lights go on again*

Yusuke: Finally!  Hey where did Chu's ashes go?

Hiei: The voices in my head told me to toss them out the window.

Yusuke: _Now_ what are you doing?

Hiei: Playing…

Yusuke: With _what_?

Hiei: This thing on the wall.  *jams finger in the electric socket and laughs*

Yusuke: Hiei!  That's an electric outlet!

Hiei: It's fun! *laughs*

Yusuke: 0_o …

Kuwabara: I told you all he was a sick freaky dwarf- a demented Gimli!

Yusuke: He's more like Gollum…

Hiei: Yes we wants the ring… we wants the Precious… BWAHAHAHA—Gollum! Gollum! *jams finger in the electric socket again*  What would happen if I stuck my tongue in there?

Yusuke: Hiei don't!

Hiei: Aw you're no fun Yusuke…*sticks tongue in the socket* *Zap!* Ooh… cool… look at all the pretty stars… *passes out*

Keiko: *leans over Hiei* Uh should we take him… to the hospital?

Yusuke: Nah.  If he can control the strongest flame in the world then he should be able to handle an electric shock.

Kuwabara: Yeah.  I'm with Urameshi- leave him.

Kurama: I don't know… I think we should take him to the hospital.  He looks like he's stopped breathing…

  


* * *

[1] For those of you who didn't pick up on why they called him Bilbo Baggins for saying this, his line basically comes from on of Bilbo's lines in Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.


	3. Chapter 2

In the Dark

Part Two

Hiei: *eyes open* Where am I?

Yusuke: The hospital.  NEVER stick your tongue in the electric socket _again!  You nearly __died!_

Hiei: I did?

Yusuke: Yes!  You nearly kicked the bucket!

Hiei: *blink blink* Sweet! ^-^

Kuwabara: Hopeless demented freak…

Hiei: Talking about yourself again, fool?

Kuwabara: Hey!  Watch what you say-- *lights go out* -- Shrimp…

Yusuke: Oh great!  The whole city has a power outage!

Kuwabara: How do you know?

Shishi: He looked out the window and saw that all the street lights were out.

Kuwabara: Hey look!  It's the woman!

Shishi: I'm not a woman!  I'm a man!

Yusuke: You're right Kuwabara!  It _is_ the woman!

Shishi: Yusuke, I am your father.

Yusuke: But you're a woman.  It's physically impossible for you to be my father.

Shishi: -_-" You're a lost cause…

Yusuke: You know you're the millionth person to tell me that?

Shishi: Doesn't surprise me.  Okay bye-bye now! *disappears*

(A few minutes earlier in the OR)

Doctor: Scalpel

Nurse: Scalpel

*lights go out*

Doctor: *filling out a death certificate* Patient's Name: Chu. Time of Death- Nurse?

Nurse: 8:45 I believe.

Chu: I'm not dead.

Doctor: We can't operate in the dark and considering you're halfway through a liver transplant you're as good as dead.

Chu: Guess I deserve this for drinking myself silly all the time.  Crikey!

(Back in Hiei's hospital room)

Jin: ♪You take the high road and I'll take the low road—♪

Keiko: I thought I explained to you that the Scottish people are your natural enemy!

Jin: Let me finish me song! ♪You take the high road and I'll take the low road and I'll be in _Ireland before ya but me and my true love will never meet again—♪_

Keiko: Where won't you meet?

Jin: Uh…. *light bulb* *huge grin* ♪In the Irish city of Dublin!♪

Keiko: -_-;; I give up!

Yusuke: No sense in arguing with a drunk.  No matter how dumb he sounds, so far as he's concerned, he's always right.

Jin: I'm not drunk Urameshi!  I swear!

Yusuke: Okay then, walk along that line.

Jin: What line?

Yusuke: Ha!  You _are drunk!_

Jin: I'm not drunk!  The power's out ye dimwit!  I can't see two inches in front of my face!

Yusuke: *crying uncontrollably* Genkai used to call me dimwit!!! 

Kuwabara: Pathetic.

Hiei: Shut up moron!

Yusuke: *cries even more* She called me moron too!

Hiei: Yusuke!  Just shut up!  I'm the one who has roasted innards!  I should be the one complaining!

Yusuke: It's your own fault!  You shouldn't have stuck your tongue in the electric socket!

Hiei: You stupid humans keep too many dangerous objects around the house!  Would you blame the idiot if he stepped on a hidden snake and got bit?

Yusuke: I told you not to stick your tongue in the socket!

Botan: ♪That's right, even sudden tragedies come.  Looking good-natured without cause for suspicion.  Don't complain.  Just shut up and look up—♪

Yusuke: Why don't _you _shut up Botan!?

Hiei: ♪Hot the blood that drenches my body—♪

Yusuke: Haven't we had enough musical interludes for today!?

Kurama: No.  The author's father wants another.

Yusuke: Great.  Now we're taking requests?

Kurama: Oklahoma.

Yusuke: Okla--!  Fine!  I'll sing the damn song! ♪Oklahoma where the wind goes sweeping down the plain and the waving wheat can sure smell sweet when the wind comes right before the rain! O-k—♪ Help…

Kurama: What's wrong Yusuke?

Yusuke: ^_^;; I can't spell Oklahoma.

Kurama: It's spelled O-k-l-a-h-o-m-a.

Yusuke: Thanks ♪ O-k-l-a-h-o-m-a Oklahoma!♪


	4. Chapter 3

In the Dark

Part Three

Hiei: Feels so good to be out of the ICU!

Yusuke: Can you believe that hospital didn't have a backup generator?

Kurama: They did.  It was broken.  Strangest thing… they said all the parts were _melted._

Hiei: *whistles innocently* 

Kuwabara: You coulda really hurt someone shrimp!  Do you know how many people you could've killed last night by melting the generator?!

Hiei: By my count- a hundred and twenty-seven.

Kuwabara: Looks like I need to teach you a lesson! *forms his spirit sword and swings it around, killing Chu- who was innocently strolling by- in the process* Whoops.

Hiei: *torches Chu's body with the Black Dragon Wave*

Yusuke: If there was any chance he was still alive… that chance is gone now.

Hiei: *hums the funeral march* Now where do we bury him?

Yusuke: Who says we need to bury him?  You could just throw his ashes out the _sixth story window again!_

Hiei: Really? Awesome!  I get to throw his ashes out the window!

Yusuke: No you do not! -_-;;

Hiei: But you just said—

Yusuke: I was being sarcastic.

Hiei: You were hurting others to make yourself happy? 

Yusuke: ? *blink blink*

Kurama: That's being sadistic, Hiei, not sarcastic.

Hiei: Then what's "sarcastic" mean?

Yukina: It means he was joking, Hiei.  *pleasant smile*

Hiei: Yukina….

Kuwabara: Yukina!  What's up babe?  So into my groove that you just had to come find the source of the rocking rhythm? 

Hiei: Even if that made sense he'd still be an idiot…

Yukina: Actually I was trying to find a McDonalds, Kazuma.

Yusuke: *stifles a laugh* Hear that Kuwabara?  She wasn't looking for you.  She was looking for a fast food joint.

Kuwabara: T_T Yukina, baby, aren't you happy to see me?

Yukina: Well of course I am!  I just wasn't looking for you.

Yusuke: (To Hiei) Yukina has a thing for Kuwabara, huh?

Hiei: *takes out his sword and slashes Yusuke*

Keiko: Oh!  Yusuke!  We've got to get him to the hospital!

(Hospital- 30 minutes later)

Yusuke: *wakes up* Huh?  Hey!  I'm still alive!

Kurama: But you're badly in need of a blood transfusion and if Hiei's your blood type, _he's_ going to donate blood for you.

Hiei: Yeah but the chances of that are one in a hundred.

Nurse: *walks in* Make that one in one.  Blood tests show not only are you the same blood type as Yusuke but they also show _you're _Yusuke's father.

Yusuke: Hiei's my _dad!?_

Hiei: I was wondering what I did that night I got drunk in the human world fifteen years ago.  Hey!  I have a son!

Kurama: And you almost killed him.

Hiei: *crying* What kind of father am I!?

Doctor: *walks in* You aren't a father, so far as we know.  Some intern mixed your blood sample up with someone else's.  We still haven't found out whose blood it actually is so, unfortunately Yusuke, we don't know who your real father is.

Yusuke: T_T

Doctor: But at least we have a blood transfusion ready for you.

Nurse: *hooks Yusuke up to an IV full of blood*

Yusuke: Hey!  I just realized!  We're almost done this chapter and the lights still haven't gone-- *lights go out* -- out…

Kuwabara: Gee thanks a lot Yusuke!  You just _had _to press your luck!

Hiei: T_T I miss my son…

Kurama: You don't _have _a son!

Hiei: I know that but I miss my son….

Kurama: For a second time- you don't _have a _son _Hiei!_

Hiei: Aw but I want a son…  Botan, will you give me a son? *gets whacked upside the head with Botan's oar* Ow… Keiko, will you—

Keiko: *threatening glare*

Hiei: Never mind.  I want a son! T_T

Keiko and Botan: Well I'm not giving you one!

Hiei: T_T But I want a son… That's it! ^-^ I'm going on a quest to find myself a wife!

Everyone else: O_0


	5. Chapter 4

In the Dark

Part Four

Hiei: Time to find myself a wife!  Let's search!

Yusuke: I'm not sure we'll find you a wife in the Pediatrics Ward.

Hiei: Hello?  Ever heard of nurses? *drool*

Kuwabara: Well at least he's not completely a freak…

Yusuke: Aren't three fourths of pediatric nurses already hitched?

Kuwabara: Where'd you hear that?

Yusuke: Uh… internet?  I don't know…

Hiei: Are we _going_ to find me a wife or are we just going to stand around like hopeless losers?

Kuwabara: We _are_ hopeless losers, especially you.

Yusuke: Yeah and besides, it's dark- the lights are out.  It's not like we're going to find anyone in this pitch-black darkness.

Rando: *sinister laugh* Don't be so confident Yusuke…

Yusuke: Hey!  Rando!  How'd you get back to normal size!?

Rando: Moron.  I reversed the spell.

Yusuke: *crying* Genkai baa-san called me moron!

Rando: Shut up and listen you idiot!

Yusuke: She called me-- Wait _did Genkai call me an idiot?_

Rando: LISTEN FOOL!  That was _my_ blood you just got!

Yusuke: Yeah.  So what?

Rando: I'm your father, you fool!

Yusuke: Wow! Cool! I finally have a dad!

Kuwabara: A psychotic dad who killed ninety-nine psychics.

Yusuke: But this means I have a dad!

Rando: _Had a dad!  That last attack you used on me during Genkai's tournament killed me!_

Yusuke: WAAAAH!  I KILLED MY OWN  FATHER! T_T  Hey, wait… if you're dead then how did you donate blood?

Rando: Good question… O_o   How _did I?_

Yusuke: Yay! I didn't kill my daddy!

Rando: I _am dead!  Or did you fail to notice the glow-in-the-dark halo!? *points to halo hovering over his head*_

Yusuke: Now my brain is all confuzzled @_@;;

Rando: Great… *sigh*… I should have expected breeding with a _human _to result in such a stupid half-breed.  Oh well, at least he's tough.  Brute strength and street smarts aren't going to solve everything though.

Yusuke: Hey, what Febreeze can't fix, a gun can!

Keiko: Yusuke!

Yusuke: Yes ma'am!

Keiko: Strange… he never listened to me before….

Kuwabara: _No one_ did Keiko.

Keiko: Then why do you all listen now?

Kuwabara: "Don't mess with the crazy woman or one day she'll just up and shoot ya."

Keiko: -_-* And if you want that day to be tomorrow, then keep talking.

Kuwabara: Huh? What? Whaddya mean? What day? *goes on questioning for 20 minutes*

Keiko: THAT'S IT! *pulls out a gun and shoots at Kuwabara* *shot misses, hits Chu, Chu dies*

Kuwabara: Oh my God! You killed Kenny!

Kurama: His name is Chu, Kuwabara.

Kuwabara: Oops.  Oh my God! You killed Chu!

Keiko: But I… didn't mean…

Hiei: *torches Chu's body with the Black Dragon again* Problem solved! ^-^

Yusuke: What problem!?

Hiei: Uh… I don't know but it's solved! ^-^

Yusuke: Someone just shoot me…. *turns toward Keiko* I'm kidding!  I'm kidding!  Don't shoot!  Don't shoot!

Keiko: You jerk! I just accidentally shot a man and all you can think about is yourself!?

Yusuke: Accidentally?  Looked intentional to me…

Keiko: Intentional!?  How dare you!  I'd _never do such a thing intentionally!_

Yusuke: Well you just did!

Keiko: Did not!

Yusuke: Did too!

Keiko: Did not!

Yusuke: Did too!

Botan: Children!  Knock it off!


	6. author message 2 misfortune

**Dear Readers, **

**I am terribly sorry to inform you that I have lost the notebook that contains In the Dark. I only typed up as much as has already been posted, so this is the end until I find my notebook. I'll try writing another random humor fic soon but until then please accept my apologies.**

**Alicia AKA Suni Daughter of Moro**

****

**PS: If anyone's seen a worn down 5-subject copybook that contains In the Dark Parts 1-20 (which may or may not have a purple cover stapled on the front several times), please drop an email at Thanks. Bye.**


End file.
